Herb Cohen

Stand out by doing the opposite of what others do. When competitors zig, zag. Differentiation comes from contrarian thinking, not from following the crowd.

Herbie applied this principle throughout his career, from his personal style to his negotiation approach. Rather than blending in like most people, he intentionally positioned himself as different and distinctive.

“Most people try to blend in. Herbie went the other way. When they zig, I zag.”

Loyalty within your group is paramount. Handle internal problems privately rather than involving outside authority. Betraying family or team trust is a serious breach.

When Rich's sister told on her brother for misbehaving on a bus, she was scolded not for the misbehavior but for breaking loyalty by involving authority figures. Herbie viewed internal discipline as a family or team matter, not something to be exposed to outsiders.

“If you have a problem with your brother, you deal with it inside the family. Don't rat. Don't turn your brother into the cops.”

Settle disputes quickly rather than fighting them to the bitter end. Overpay a little to avoid court and the far greater expense of prolonged conflict.

At Allstate Insurance, Herbie's claims adjustment unit outperformed all others by settling claims efficiently and fairly rather than fighting every case through litigation. His pragmatic approach recognized that compromise often saves money and preserves relationships.

When writing or creating something important, commit fully with intensity and focus. Reject the temptation to spread the work over time; instead, create conditions for deep, sustained effort.

Unlike his usual methodical approach, Herbie wrote his book in an eight-month basement marathon, consuming 40 pots of coffee and living on lettuce and bread. This extraordinary commitment reflected his belief in the book's importance and resulted in a work that sold over a million copies.

Power is perception. If you act as if you have authority or control, people will assume you do, regardless of whether you actually possess it.

At age nine, Herbie held up his hand as a crossing guard and stopped traffic on 19th Avenue. He proved that most people obey any authority figure, even a child in an orange sash. Later in life, he taught his son that pretending to be in control makes people assume you are.

“Power is based on perceptions. If you think you've got it, you've got it, even if you don't got it.”

Repetition is persuasive and builds perceived importance. If someone sees your name three times, they feel you are everywhere. If people think you are famous, you are famous.

Herbie applied the rule of three consistently in his marketing. He understood that repeated exposure creates the impression of omnipresence and success, which in turn reinforces actual success.

“If someone sees your name three times, they feel as if you're everywhere. So you must be famous. And if people think you're famous, then you are famous.”

Life is 97% marketing. A mediocre product with great marketing outperforms a masterpiece with poor promotion. Sell your work directly and vigorously.

After writing You Can Negotiate Anything, Herbie personally drove around the country with boxes of books in his station wagon. He cold-called radio stations, TV producers, and newspapers. He went into bookstores and moved his book to prominent displays, signing every copy. This hands-on marketing turned the book into a national bestseller.

“Life is 97% marketing. You're better off with a mediocre product and a great salesman than with a masterpiece and an idiot to sell it.”

The meaning of life is more life. Focus on being a decent person, raising good children, and continuing forward. Existential meaning is less important than participation.

At the end of his life, when asked directly about the meaning of life, Herbie dismissed the question as unhelpful. Instead, he offered a practical philosophy centered on maintaining connections, integrity, and forward momentum.

“The meaning of life is more life.”

Engaged detachment: Care about outcomes, but not excessively. Maintain perspective by viewing life and business as a game with pieces, not as matters of existential importance.

Herbie developed a philosophy he called Jewish Buddhism, emphasizing caring but not too much. He would dismiss problems as 'a walnut in the batter of life' or 'a blip on the radar screen of eternity.' This detachment allowed him to negotiate more effectively without becoming emotionally invested.

“Don't get fixated on a particular outcome. Always be willing to walk away. Once you see your life as a game and the things you strive for as no more than pieces in that game, you'll become a much more effective player.”

Conduct practice and preparation as if it were the real event. Make the extraordinary ordinary through consistent, methodical work so that when the actual moment arrives, it feels familiar.

Herbie repeatedly taught his children to approach practice exams and scrimmages with the same intensity as the real thing. This removes the psychological shock and unfamiliarity that can undermine performance when it matters most.

“Conduct ourselves in the practice exam or scrimmage as if it were the real test or game. That way, when we got there, we'd feel as if we'd already been there a dozen times before. Make the extraordinary ordinary. That's the key.”

Make a decision once and commit to it fully. Do not second-guess or waffle. If rejection comes, adjust your opinion of the rejector, not your decision.

Herbie received 18 rejections before finding a publisher for You Can Negotiate Anything. He never wavered in his belief that the book was good. When rejected, he simply concluded the publisher lacked judgment, never doubting the work itself.

“I make a decision once. In case of rejection, the only thing that would change was his opinion of the publishing house. It only takes one.”

We see things not as they are, but as we are. Our perception is filtered through our own identity, experiences, and biases. Understanding this shapes how we interpret negotiation and conflict.

Herbie used this aphorism to explain why different people interpret the same situation differently. In negotiation, this means recognizing that the other party's perspective is as real to them as yours is to you, even if objectively different.

“We see things not as they are, but as we are.”

Taking notes serves multiple purposes: it helps you learn from the past, creates a record of what happened, signals to others that you are keeping track, and allows you to use their own words against them if needed.

When Herbie took over a basketball team, he sat on the bench without speaking and took detailed notes. This practice became a cornerstone of his negotiation approach, signaling professionalism and thoroughness while gathering intelligence.

“Taking notes is key everywhere all the time because it lets you learn from the past, lets you keep a record while letting the other side know that a record is being kept, and on occasion lets you hang them with their own words.”

When facing a situation that defies your control or understanding, trust that you will adapt and function. Anxiety comes from resisting ambiguity, not from ambiguity itself.

Herbie taught his son to accept uncertainty as a constant feature of life and business. Rather than seeking false certainty, he emphasized developing resilience and the ability to function despite not having all answers.

Those who can live with ambiguity and still function do the best. Those who cannot stand uncertainty will get their certainty but pay for it.

During his army service investigating criminal activity, Herbie learned that certainty is rare and that comfort with ambiguity is a valuable skill. This insight applies directly to entrepreneurship, where ambiguity is constant and unavoidable.

“Those who can live with ambiguity and still function do the best. Those who can't stand uncertainty, get their certainty, but pay for it.”

Negotiation is not learned but remembered. It is a natural human activity you have been doing your entire life, from childhood arguments to family conflicts. Understanding human nature is the key to negotiation.

Herbie viewed negotiation as fundamental to human existence, not as a specialized skill. His broad definition included two kids arguing on a corner, parents getting children to do homework, and diplomatic standoffs. This perspective allowed him to see patterns across all human interaction.

“It's not something you learn, but something you've always known and have been doing all of your life.”

Winning a negotiation means both parties feel they got a good deal. Never trick the other side. Make them feel respected and fairly treated, or the deal will collapse.

Herbie's approach to negotiation was never about deception or exploitation. His philosophy was that if the other party walks away feeling bad, the deal falls apart and you end up with nothing. This is why he focused on win-win outcomes.

“It isn't because I want to be a good person...it's because I want to be effective. If the other guy walks away feeling bad about what happened, the deal is going to fall apart and you're going to end up with nothing.”

The most powerful negotiation words are questions and admissions of ignorance. Appearing less knowledgeable than you are creates curiosity, humility, and openness in the other party.

Herbie taught that saying 'I don't know,' 'You lost me,' or 'I don't understand' is more effective than projecting expertise. Feigned ignorance produces curiosity and opens doors that certainty closes.

“What are the most powerful words in a negotiation? Are they, I'm an expert, I know better? No. They're, who? Huh? And what? The most powerful words in business are, I don't understand. Help me.”

By ceding power, you gain power. Appearing weak, ignorant, or needy paradoxically gives you leverage because it invites the other party to help and feel generous.

Herbie's counterintuitive approach to negotiation emphasized humility and admission of limitations. This stance disarms opponents and makes them more willing to cooperate, ultimately giving Herbie more control over the outcome.

“By ceding power, you gain power. In some cases, dumb is smarter than smart, and inarticulate is better than articulate.”

Build strategy around the talent you have, not around an ideal plan. Adapt to your resources rather than complaining about constraints.

When coaching a basketball team in the army, Herbie realized he couldn't impose a perfect strategy on whatever players he had. Instead, he designed his approach based on their actual talents and strengths. This pragmatic flexibility led to success.

“You can't build a team around a random strategy. Maybe in a perfect world, heaven or fantasy land, but in the real world, you have to devise your strategy for the talent you actually have. Don't bitch, don't complain. Just play the cards that you've been dealt.”

Life is a game with other players. To win, understand each person's motivations and address their stakes. Focus less on yourself and more on others.

When facing expulsion from school for a fraud scheme, Herbie reframed the principal's problem: expelling them would trigger a Board of Education hearing that would expose the principal's poor judgment, costing him his job. By addressing Dr. Armour's true stake in the situation, Herbie moved him from no to yes.

“Life is a game and to win you must consider other people as players with as much at stake as yourself. If you understand their motivation you can control the action and free yourself from every variety of jam.”